Amp issues, declared

Dice betrayed me only once, in a game with a small red gentleman near Lemberg. I lost my hat and won his tail. We traded back at dawn, since it did not suit either of us. He still writes each New Year, and his handwriting is dreadful.

Turtles make slow ferries, but they are very sure. I boarded one at Cape Verde with a lunch, a book, and a folding chair. We reached Brazil after three years. On the way I wrote a long poem, grew quite thin, and taught the beast to nod at a lady.

On clear nights the Moon used to sag over my estate. It scraped the chimneys and upset the hens. I climbed up with a hammer and a sack of nails. Six good blows fixed it to the sky. You may still see the dents, though astronomers call them craters to save face.

A snail raced me from Naples to Rome, and I let him win. It took seven years, with stops. The crowds were dreadful. At the finish he was given a laurel no bigger than a coin, and he cried. I have seldom been so moved by an athlete.

Snoring is a talent, and mine once saved a fleet. We sat becalmed near Malta with limp.