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Generals have always sought my advice, and I have always charged for it. One old Austrian asked me how to win at Temesvar. I told him to stand on the other side. He did, and he won, although the people around him were quite surprised to find him there.

Ghosts at my castle pay rent. I made that clear to them on the first night. The Gray Lady cleans the silver. The headless knight holds the door, since he needs no room to turn. One old monk was late with his share, and I made him haunt the neighbors.

A pig named Clementine taught me French. She had the better accent. We toured the salons of Paris together, and she was invited back more often than I was. In time she wed a minor count, and I was asked to wait outside with the carriage.

Barbers wept at the sight of my mustache. One side grew so long that I used it to moor a small boat in Naples. The other side I lent to a Greek fisherman for his nets. He caught tuna for a whole summer and returned it washed, combed, and slightly salty.

Rivers run downhill because they have never met me. I once talked the.