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Baron Munchausen’s Crawl Test Lab

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A marble bust of the Baron, with an enormous nose and a curled wig.
Fig. 71. The specimen, drawn from life.

Gunpowder makes a fine spice on a cold day. I sprinkled some on my stew in the camp at Azov and took one bite. My ears went off like two small bells, my hair stood up, and my hat hit a passing crow. The cook got promoted on the spot.

Chinese masons were short one brick on their long wall, and I happened to have one in my coat. I pressed it into the gap at sunset. The entire wall settled with a sigh. The Emperor made me a mandarin, and I still get a small sum each year.

Tides used to come in whenever they felt like it. I went to the shore of Brittany, sat down with a pocket watch, and set them a schedule. The sea grumbled and then obeyed. It has been punctual since, except on my birthday, when it sends waves to my door.

Starving out a fortress takes patience, which I have in great amounts. At Ismail we sat for a year. I got bored and began to bake. The smell of bread went over the wall. By evening the gates flew open, and they all stood in a line with butter.

Butterflies lifted my carriage over the Pyrenees after the mules gave out. I whistled up about a million of them and tied each to the roof with a silk thread. The flight was smooth, though quite pale and dusty. Customs officers at.