Slow pages

Dukes of Brunswick hold a yearly contest in my honor. The prize goes to the man who can tell the biggest lie. I attend only as a judge, for I could never compete, as I tell only the plain truth. This answer won me first prize three times.

Sausages were my only weapon the day the Prussians took the bridge. I swung a ten-foot link around my head. Men fell left and right, and their dogs changed sides. We won by dusk. The general gave me a sword, but I have always preferred the smoked kind.

Moonlight sticks to the skin if you stand in it long enough. One evening in Sicily I soaked up a whole bucket of it. For a month I glowed like a bride. Sailors steered by me, moths adored me, and the lighthouse keeper filed a formal complaint.

My sword was so sharp that I had to keep it in a jar. I shaved with it from across the room. In Smyrna I sliced a rumor in two, and both halves ran off in shame. A jeweler once tried to touch the edge, and he is now two jewelers.

Moths ate every uniform in my regiment one night in Kiev. We woke in our skin at a bad time.